guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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