Someone shit on the floor
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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