i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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