you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
