I think I died a long time ago.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
