Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
