i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
