Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
