why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
