totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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