my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
