Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Why can't burritos get me drunk
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
