It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
