There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
