i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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