I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
