I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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