this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
