i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
