Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
