Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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