I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
