I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
