i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
