there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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