so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
