if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
