How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
