I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
