why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
