My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
