allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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