we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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