Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
