my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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