everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
