i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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