I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
