oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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