Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
