My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
