Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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