I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
