if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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