just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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