I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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