Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
