My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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