thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
