Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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