so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
